Dopplegangers and Doofuses

Chuck Klosterman recently wrote an article about the YouTube generation and the ability that people now have to create completely unique, yet 100% fabricated, personas (totally independent from their actual, flesh and blood personas) in the hopes of that “character” becoming a 15 minute celebrity on the internet. Technology has made fame a populist enterprise, but only if one is willing to completely and totally abandon their normal personality. In the end, no one knows where the original person ends and his/her YouTube persona begins.

I find it really interesting that people are willing to essentially recreate themselves online. There is something inherently freeing (and depressing) about the ability to become a new person, identical in name only to the person one is in their day-to-day life. But many people, a disturbing number of them Cubs fans, would rather abandon all aspects of themselves and simply adopt the persona of someone they wish they were. And the internet is the means by which they pull it off.
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To explain-

In one of my other jobs that I put way too much effort into for no money, I am a local musician (see “bullshit wannabe” in the dictionary or just look at a picture of this guy for a reference). Unfortunately, in order to get gigs(or, for some, 12 year old boys) these days, you need a Myspace page. Granted, Myspace is the Betamax to Facebook’s VHS (or HD DVD to Facebook’s Blu-ray, if you want a reference that doesn’t date back to the days when people wore mustaches unironically), but for some reason, a lot of bookers use Myspace to listen to bands' demos. But enough of my sad attempts at rationalization.

I got a friend request from “Ryan Theriot” the other day. Given the undying love for him that I’ve expressed on this blog, I was a little surprised. More surprising was the fact that a major league baseball player with two children would actually spend time on a site that regularly sends you random emails from people you’ve never met asking you if you want a date tonight. But alas, my excitement at being Mr. Theriot’s online BFF was not to be, as it was a site made by someone who was not Ryan Theriot, but felt the need to create a myspace page as if he was Ryan Theriot. Only in the description does the author reluctantly mention “by the way, I’m not actually Ryan Theriot.” This is actually someone who spent the time to create a fictional website for a baseball player they’ve never met, and who probably won’t even be on the team in three years.

This Ryan Theriot doppelganger has a unique view both on the player himself as well as Theriot’s views on life. So let’s take a look at Ryan, shall we?

His slogan is “y’all can’t deny it,” although I’m unaware of what y’all are attempting to deny.

His favorite movie is “The French Connection,” and his favorite musician is “Jerry Reed.” I am utterly perplexed by this. There are three options for why these things are on the page, either (a.) Doppelganger just chose randomly (which makes one wonder why these two were chosen), (b.) Doppelganger decided to superimpose his own musical and cinematic interests onto Ryan Theriot, or (c.) Doppelganger researched Ryan Theriot’s interviews, magazine articles, etc. to find a hint of the movie and/or artist that rocks Theriot’s world (which is just plain creepy). Although I guess the first option poses the least of the indictments of him, none of these three options paint a very pretty picture of Doppelganger.

Even more disturbing than anything written by Doppelganger is the comments written by people on the site. Below is a sampling:

Apr 10 2008 9:10 PM
Great game! Whenever the Bayou Boys are in the line up great things seem to happen!

Apr 6 2008 2:37 PM
GO CUBBIES... GREAT JOB RYAN

Mar 27 2008 7:47 PM
My last name is also theriot (don't you hate it when they say it wrong!?) and the Cubs are my favorite team! So of course your my favorite player.
enjoyed watching you at the cactus and make us theriot's proud! Go Cubs!

Mar 26 2008 5:58 PM
Glad to hear you are batting leadoff this year, Ryan! I always wondered how the post-season might have been different last year if you were our leadoff man.

Do these people really think Ryan Theriot is maintaining a Myspace page? Are they the “y’all” who apparently can’t deny it, whatever it is? Is functional mental illness more prominent on Myspace than I had already assumed it was?

More importantly, this whole virtual world in which people act as if they are (even local) celebrities AND others interact with that person as if he were, in fact, that person takes this obsession with celebrity even further than Klosterman suggested in his piece. It seems as if these people are so starved for a connection to a second-tier baseball player that they’ll settle for a connection to a person sort of pretending to be him.

The society embodied by myspace is so obsessed with celebrity that, in lieu of prostituting yourself out as either a YouTube goon or a “hot amateur couple interested in sharing their lives through their webcam” in order to get your fifteen minutes of cyberfame, people are willing to simply create a virtual world where they are the celebrity they’ve always wanted to be. And others, through either delusion or desperation, are willing to gleefully participate in the farce. Its almost as if there's a group stalking going on and the object of that collective obsession doesn't even have to be present. While probably much less dangerous than, say, that psycho who killed the chick from My Sister Sam, its still one of the billion things that I've seen online that makes me wonder what makes people so odd. Here’s to the internet.


Ed. Note: I found a bunch more "Cubs Player" myspace sites. We'll try to feature one, in all its weirdness, each week. They're waaaay too good individually to all put in one post.

I Had No Idea...

Big Skirt Had Wheels.



Thanks to Bugs and Cranks.

Go Cubs.

Two Teams Enter. Two Teams Leave. So Everyone Calm Down.

Tonight it begins. Two bitter rivals square off at the Corner of Clark and Addison. The Chicago Cubs and their nemesis from the north...the Milwaukee Brewers.

Who will be the victors?

What are the spoils for said victors?

Why is the media so obsessed about a series in April?

When will I stop asking questions in giant fonts?

Sorry.

After reading countless articles over the past few days about how much this series matters, I kind of lost it a little bit. I mean, we get it. It's the Brewers. But do they really think we are gonna be swinging from the rafters at Wrigley tonight in anticipation of this epic battle? Seriously?

Let me give you a few reasons why this series isn't quite the season-defining juggernaut that media thinks it is.


1) 25 Games

That's it. We've played 25 games, folks. The 2008 season is a month old. By my math (and bear with me, I ain't so good with numbers), we have around 137 games left. So forgive me if I think there may be one or two more pivotal series between now and say...4 MONTHS FROM NOW! Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic about our 16-9 team, but when people start freaking out about a 3 game series when snow is still a realistic possibility, I think it's time to take a deep breath and back away from the ledge for a minute. For god's sake, at least wait until Prince Fielder eats his way up 5 sizes into a glorified pair of "fat-man sweats" before totally losing it.

2. Marquis v. Sheets

What's the over/under on this game? 35? Conventional wisdom would dictate that this will be a low scoring affair because of the weather, but with these two yokels on the hill, the score could be 42-41 after 3 innings.

Better question: What are the chances that EITHER of these guys is a factor down the stretch?
1000-1?

Marquis can probably keep up his "smoke and mirrors" thing until the All-Star Break and then either a) he'll be traded for a bag of balls and some sunflower seeds or b) he'll be taken behind the woodshed and put out of his misery. There is no middle ground here. Sheets? Last I looked, the line in Vegas on whether or not his arm will actually detach from his body is a "pick 'em," so best case scenario he's making a comeback as a lefty come August, worst case he's enjoying his 57th trip to the DL.

What I'm saying here is, this match up tonight isn't a playoff preview by any stretch of the imagination. Just remember that.

3. This is the Cardinals Division to Lo...

Damn, I couldn't even finish typing that without falling over giggling. Don't jinx them you say? Here's what I say. While they have had an AMAZING start, take a gander at who they trot out weekly to pitch.

Adam Wainwright
Kyle Lohse
Brandon Looper
Todd Wellemeyer (yes, that Todd Wellemeyer)

I don't care if Pujols hits 80 HR this year AND pitches 10 complete games, they've got no shot. That being said, I am fully aware that this post guarantees that the Cubs will get swept this weekend in STL. I can live with that.

4. We've got bigger things to worry about.

Like, for example, this:


Damn you SI. Damn you to hell.

Go Cubs.

I'm Sure I'll Find Something to Complain About, Eventually

When you build an entire blog that centers around the general malaise that comes from being a Cubs fan, a winning team such as this makes it hard to develop good material. We’re so used to having myriad options when it comes to Cubs-related stupidity to make fun of, but now we’re stuck actually having to…ummm…be happy with the team? I honestly racked my brain for hours (okay, minutes) trying to find things to critique about this team right now, and aside from a bullpen that, outside of one guy, has given new meaning to the phrase “no lead is safe,” there just isn’t much to go on. So this must be what its like to be a fan of a real Major League Baseball team.

Of the embarrassingly fun stuff that happened this week, these things were most amusing:



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-Kosuke Fukudome, in just four at bats in a single game, saw over thirty pitches. There were games last year that the entire team didn’t see thirty pitches. Of course, the better he does, the more likely it is that more idiots come to the park and say “Horry Kow? OH! That’s like ‘Holy Cow’ with an Asian accent! Genius! The guys back at the House are gonna love this one! I’ll wear it underneath my #69 softball jersey!” (Yes, I realize I strung a long tail on that kite.)

Still, I think this Fukudome kid just might be a player.

-Reed Johnson makes what might have been the best catch I’ve ever seen. As much as I like Felix Pie and think he’ll be great, Reed Johnson has really been a terrific pick up. Even more important is that he looks like he literally appeared out of the cornfield in Iowa: high socks, uniform about two sizes too big, about 3 and a half pounds of chew in his lip. I’m surprised he doesn’t leave his glove on the field at the end of each inning, you know, so the center fielder for the other team can use it. D.B. Sweeney had nothing on this guy.

-Bob Howry still sucks. I know this is a celebratory post, but it needed to be said. And I’m not really sure what the author of this headline was snorting before he posted it. Really?

-10,000 wins. I think Jason mentioned this already, but the fact that this team has never fallen under .500 is unbelievable. I also didn’t know that the only other team to get 10,000 wins was the Giants. And to think, only 10 or so players on their current roster were on the team when they got win #1. Zing.

-The team started this year without a shortstop on the roster, and now when Soriano comes back to inevitably post his .327 OBP from the leadoff spot, the biggest debate on the team will be which All-Star quality shortstop will have to sit down. I’m fairly certain that little Houston and Macey Theriot will have to spend their days as a minion of the devil, but the deal Ryan made with him is paying off so far. And hey-Ronny Cedeno isn’t drunk. Way to stay sober long enough to prove that you’re actually a good player, Ronny.

Being a Cubs fan, I’m amazed that there were this many things to be happy about in an entire season, let alone the last two weeks. I guess I’m going to have to find something else to use as the focus of my mean-spirited sarcasm. When do the Reds come back to Chicago?

I Had No Idea...

Penny Threw This Hard.



Maybe I should have started him this week.

Saturday Afternoon Non-Cubs Related Time Waster

Bobby Howry blows another game, Cubs lose at Washington, ugh. Not a whole lot to get excited about the last couple days.

So...

There have been numerous cases in Chicago of young men between 18-35 getting drunk with friends at some bar downtown in Chicago, leaving to head home and going missing, only to be founds months later washed up on the shores of Gary or New Buffalo. Originally, it was thought to simply be cases of stupid young people getting too drunk, walking down to the near the Chicago river and falling in. However, a group of detectives from New York, on their own time, are attempting to piece together these killings in order to identify what they think is the work of a group of serial killers working throughout the midwest. Creepy stuff.

So what does this have to do with the Cubs? Nothing, really, except that I'm wondering when I can convince all the Cubs relievers (except for Marmol and Wood) to come out drinking near the Chicago river.

Best Way to Jinx the Cubs? Let's Try a Live Blog!

2:44 PM

Figured that since the Cubs are on during the day today and I have some free time at work, it's the perfect time to throw out a live blog. That should successfully jinx this team, right?

2:46 PM 2 Outs Top 3, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

D Lee grounds out. Good start. If anyone can ruin this season, I know I can.

2:38 PM Bot. 3, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

Marquis on the mound today. I swear he was pitching the last time I did this.

As great as this start has been, this pitching staff still scares the bajesus out of me. Has anyone looked ever at the lineup card and said:

"Shit, we've got Marquis today...we're screwed."

I doubt it.

(I may have made that exact joke before too)

2:52 PM 2 Outs Bot. 3, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

Do announcers for other teams read faxes and emails during EVERY game? And speaking of which...why are they still taking faxes? It's 2008 for god's sake. If you don't have email by now, I highly doubt you have a question that is worth reading on the air.

This whole fax thing has baffled me for years. Who is sitting at work and thinks, "I was wondering why they don't just call it the 'fair pole.' Let's send a fax to the Cubs radio announcers and get an answer."

3 up 3 down.

2:57 PM 1 Out Top 4, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

Pat gets way to excited about a warning track fly ball from Fuku. He must have a clause in his contract that stipulates that he is allowed to toy with the listener's emotions at least 5 times per game.

3 up 3 down.

I sure picked a winner of a game to live blog.

3:02 PM 1 Out Bot. 4

Pat and Ron are doing their best Len Kasper impersonation...trying their darnedest to put a hex on Marquis.

Example: Last night, Len made a point to refer to Tulowitski as "the struggling Tulowitski" right before he drilled the homer that gave the Rockies the lead. I love it when he does that.

Marquis gets the double play. 4 up 3 down.

3:09 PM, 0 Out Top 5, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

Where does Pat go every 5th inning? Cigarette break? BM? Daily drowning of a puppy? I need to know these things.

3 Up 3 Down. Again. Riveting.

3:15 PM, 0 Out, Bot. 5, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

Fantasy Note: In the history of fantasy baseball has anyone fallen off as fast as Andruw Jones?
That fat bastard is killing my fantasy team. It's never good when you get the player updates and for Jones it reads:

"Jones turning into a joke."

Ouch.

3:20 PM 2 Out Bot. 5, "Pods" on 2nd, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

I'm not really sure how I feel about Todd Helton. I mean, yes, he's a great hitter. I just can't get over the fact that he looks EXACTLY like this guy in college I knew who used to wear his boxers inside out to get an extra day or two out of them. I find myself dry-heaving every time he comes to the plate. It's distracting.


3:25 PM, 1 Out Top 6, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

I think Theriot just struck out. Not sure, because Ronnie was babbling about a fax or something.

3 UP 3 Down. Can you feel the excitement?


3:29 PM. 0 Out Bot. 6, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

Watching the game last night, I couldn't believe that their closer had blown 3 straight BEFORE he blew the save against the Cubs. There would have been burning effigies of Lou all over Wrigleyville if that happened here. I'm not saying that's good or bad. I'm just saying.

Marquis gives up a walk and then Pat gives me a heart attack with his call of another warning track fly ball (for those of you score at home, that's the second one today).

Make that three.

3 Up 3 Down. The tension is palpable.

3:36 PM, 0 Out Top 7, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

Len/Pat just called this a "winnable" game, which ironically makes it a "loseable" game now.

2 straight fly-balls with "Unnecessary Pat Hughes Excitement" distance by Aramis and Fuku. He is apparently bored or easily excitable today. Judging by the game, I say it's the former.

DeRo K's.

3 Up 3 Down. Cook has sent down the last 16 he has faced. Super.

3:42 PM 0 Out Bot. 7, Chicago 1 Colorado 1

"Uh-oh."

That's all we hear from Pat as we come back from the break. 2-1 Rockies.

Time to get someone up, Lou.

3:47 PM, 1 Out Bot. 7, Chicago 1 Colorado 2

Cubs utilize the popular 1 (ricochet) to 5 to 3 putout at first.

2 outs. "Backwards Boxers" is up with a man on.

Got 'em.

"Marquis is pitching a very good ball game," says Pat.

Sure, if you don't count that tater he just gave up.

Rally time!

3:52 PM, 0 Out Top 8, Chicago 1 Colorado 2

Pat and Ron are going with the "pitcher had to run the bases so he's tired now" theory for this inning.

And...they're right. Soto singles.

The suddenly pinch-runner crazy Lou Piniella takes out Soto for Cedeno. 1st and 2nd, 0 0uts.

Pie gets another hit. Maybe there is something to this "tired pitcher" thing.

D-Ward batting for Marquis. He walks!

Bases drunk for Fontenot and I have to pee.

3:58 PM, 0 Out Top 8, Chicago 1 Colorado 2

Fontenot grounder to 2nd, run scores. Runners on 1st and 3rd. 1 Out. 2-2 game.

Theriot up and I can't breathe.

Theriot lines out, Fontenot doubled off. It's deja vu all over again.

At least the game is tied AND I can go to the bathroom.

3:58 PM, 0 Out Bot. 8, Chicago 2 Colorado 2

Corey Hart is in...facing Holiday. I will no cease breathing.

Double.

Crap.

Groundout. Holiday to 3rd. 1 Out.

Must not breathe.

Intentional walk to Hawpe to face...Tulowitski? O.....k.....

What the?!?

Len/Pat just said Tulowitski was "struggling." What is wrong with him?

Side note: When he is up, the fans do this "clap-clap-clapclapclap-TULO!" chant. It's neat-o (not sure if that is sarcastic or not).

E 6 on a potential double play. Rockies up 3-2.

I blame Pat...and The Riot, obviously.

4:18 PM, 1 Out Bot. 8, Chicago 2 Colorado 3

Hart gets the K.

Pat just informed us that we have Lee, Aramis and Fuku up in the 9th. Any chance they trot that closer back out there?

Hart is now in trouble. 3-0 on made-up player Spilborghs...base hit. 4-2 Rockies.

4:18 PM, Between Innings, Chicago 2 Colorado 4

I've decided to not post this inning in order to try and lift the jinx I put on the Cubs.

(fingers crossed)

4:28 PM, Chicago 2 Colorado 4 Final

I am now officially banning live blogs.

Please send all hate mail to Marty as I will be hiding in a cave for the next few days.

My bad.

Go Cubs.

I'm Not Sure What To Do With My Hands

Wow. Wow. Wow.

I am at a loss at this point. After ANOTHER dominating performance by the Chicago Cubs, I have no idea how to handle what I am seeing from this team on nearly a daily basis. Do I nitpick and talk about the men LOB base today? Do I play the Mariotti card and talk about how Lilly looked less than stellar today? Or do I just enjoy another win and relax?

As a Cubs fan, that last one seems insane to me.

So, I surfed the interwebs looking for answers and I came across this little ditty over at BCB:

7 wins in 8 games, scoring 67 runs (average: more than eight per game).

That settles it.

I'm gonna enjoy this moment while pondering one more unbelievable number...14-6.

Go Cubs.

Way Back Machine: Say It Ain't So...Cubs?

While feeling something strange this morning after last night's game (joy with a solid helping of confidence), I was perusing the interwebs and found something about the history of the Cubs that successfully ruined my good mood.

The World Series the Cubs (maybe) gave away.

You've got to be kidding me.

The article states (bold added by me):

Now, it cannot be said for certain that gamblers got to the '18 Cubs. But Eddie Cicotte, pitcher and one of the eight White Sox outcasts from the '19 World Series, did say in a newly found affidavit he gave to the 1920 Cook County grand jury that the Cubs influenced the Black Sox. Cicotte said the notion of throwing a World Series first came up when the White Sox were on a train to New York. The team was discussing the previous year's World Series, which had been fixed, according to players. Some members of the Sox tried to figure how many players it would take to throw a Series. From that conversation, Cicotte said, a scandal was born.

I should have stopped reading at this point, but as a Cub fan, I didn't feel quite crappy enough so..

The article goes on to say:

The Cubs were 84-45 that year and serious favorites. Cicotte is not alone in suggesting they had been paid off. The lost diary of Charles Comiskey's righthand man, Harry Grabiner, supposedly indicates that the 1918 World Series was fixed. The reporting of baseball columnist Hugh Fullerton -- the man who eventually blew the whistle on baseball's gambling problem -- also suggested that something was afoul in 1918. Fullerton's accounts of those games repeatedly point out bizarre baserunning mistakes and defensive flubs.

The box scores support his descriptions. The Cubs were picked off three times, including twice in the decisive Game 6. That game was lost, 2-1, on a 2-run error by Cubs right fielder Max Flack. Game 4 had been tied, 2-2, in the eighth inning, when Cubs pitcher Shufflin' Phil Douglas gave up a single, followed by a passed ball, followed by an errant throw on a bunt attempt that allowed the winning run to score.

Well that's just super.

What's funny is I can close my eyes and see any of the modern day Cubs teams making those kind of boneheaded mistakes. In fact, I swear I've seen that exact play at least 5 times in my lifetime.

Regardless, I hope the national media picks up on this. We really need some more bad karma.

(Thanks to Chicagoist for the link.)

Milk Was A Bad Choice (a.k.a. Week In Review)

Well, Week 3 is in the books. Let's take a stroll down memory lane and see what we have learned from the week that was...

1) Marisa Miller is smoking hot.





I mean, wow. Just...wow.

2. D-Lee is NOT in fact DOA.

Coming off a "down" season last year and a shaky spring, there were some rumblings that maybe Lee had lost a step or two. The wrist injury had seemed to sap some of the power he displayed when he first joined the Cubs. Three weeks into this young season, let's take a look at how his numbers stack up so far.

I believe that could be qualified as a HUGE middle finger to his doubters.

Overall, he's 2nd in HR (only after Utley cranked out 2 on Sunday), 5th in Runs, 7th in RBI and 8th in BA. Not in the National League, mind you, in all of baseball. Yes, I am aware it's early, but its good to have D-Lee back.

3. Marty Brennaman IS in fact bat-shit crazy.


Busy week for Marty B. First, he called out Cubs fans for being obnoxious. Then he refused to back off of those statements by talking more shit about the Cubs.

"I said how tough it is to root for the Cubs. I think a lot of people feel the same way I do, but they won't articulate it. I'm not afraid to say what I think. [Compared to Cubs fans] Cardinals fans are hands down the best in baseball. They respect the game. They don't go to the game to do stupid stuff. The Cubs have some great baseball fans. But the ones who act like idiots (ruin) it for people like me."

And I'm sure all of you agree, I hate it when we ruin it for self-righteous windbags.

THEN, M to the B decided to take it up a notch. Tired of bashing a whole organization for the acts of a few drunken morons, he took out his "crazy old man" frustrations on his own broadcast partner.

Yep, I can totally see why he received the Ford Frick Award for “for major contributions to the game of baseball.”

I truly wish I was making that up.

4. Reed Johnson is the second coming of...Kenny Lofton? Craig Biggio?

Talk all you want about the "Pie Situation," but all this guy has done is rake since he was given the starting job.

BA: .354
SLG: .417
Runs: 8
RBI: 7

Ok, so those aren't All-Star numbers, but add to that the fact that he apparently doesn't EVER get out of the way of inside pitches (3 HBP in the last 3 days) and you have at least a serviceable player in center instead of say...a corpse.


5. Aramis is heating up with the weather (again)
(yes, I wrote this AFTER he just homered against the Mets, whatever)

He's gonna have another great year. So, for the love of God, stop talking about his lack of "hustle" or his occasional lapses in the field. He's a lock for 30-100 EVERY year. Enjoy it.

5a. Mark DeRosa is Mui Caliente!

Sorry.

My wife called me from home when DeRo took that header over the bullpen on Sunday and said:

"Is my boyfriend OK?"

Yep. I guess I should be happy she was at least watching the game. Right?

Go Cubs.

This Column Takes itself Way Too Seriously to be About a T-Shirt

There was a study once in which a bunch of five year old girls were shown Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast” and asked a series of questions about it afterwards. Throughout the film, various levels of anger are displayed by the beast, and he basically makes his business doing everything he can to destroy the life of Belle (I really hope I didn’t get that name right). In the end, of course, he’s redeemed and becomes a prince.

ANYWAY,

After the film, the girls were asked “if your best friend were in a situation like Belle’s, where she was locked in a closet, not allowed to eat, and screamed at by her boyfriend, what would be your advice to her?” Every kid said a variation of the same thing: “I’d tell her to stick it out because he may be mean to you now, but underneath is a prince.”

Let me make this clear, as my explanation may not have done this justice. The message of the film, according to five year old girls, was put up with spousal abuse, because eventually if you allow him to destroy your life for a long enough time, the prince that is underneath will emerge and you'll live happily ever after.

This study scares the shit out of me.

It also tells me that imagery created by media images of any kind is much more pervasive and insidious than we think it is.

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That brings me to the Horry Kow t-shirts that have gone on sale near Wrigley lately. If you haven’t noticed, first of all-climb out of the cave you’ve been in. Then, take a look at the imagery in the shirt (I don’t really want to put up a picture of it-feel free to find it at one of the fine establishments that carries this piece of Ignorance Couture). It’s fairly obvious what’s being depicted.

Now, the question, of course, that has been debated on message boards all over the place is "are they racist?" Various debates have gone on in which some people of varying intelligence levels are arguing over the difference between “racially insensitive” and “racist,” highlighting the pejorative nature of the term “racist” and the role of intent. This is a valid argument and one I think actually is a fairly productive use of time. Of course, some mouth breathers feel the need to insert the standard “Get over it! Its all PC garbage!” talking points into the debate, which, of course, raises the level of discourse so much. Thanks to you guys.

I think all of these arguments, however, miss the point. One of the first elements of media (and these shirts ARE a form of media) that should be considered is not the intent, but the effects. Intent is rarely even necessary for something to be devastating to culture. In fact, the actual intent of any piece of media is almost always ignored in the interpretations of it by various viewers-if you don’t believe me, try asking ten different people what the lyrics of “American Pie” mean, line-by-line. You’ll get ten different answers, and none of them likely jive with Don McLean’s intent.

Given the myriad responses to this shirt, I think whether or not the creator intended them to be ridiculously insensitive and condescending, that’s a pervasive effect of the pictures. As such, instead of telling people to “get over it,” maybe it would be a good idea to actually, I don’t know-put yourself in their position. I know that, as part of the majority culture race plays almost no role in the manner in which we define ourselves, and therefore its hard to understand why minorities get angry about the stereotypes presented in media-after all, what’s the big deal? Its just a joke, right? Luckily, our favorite Reds-announcer-slash-douchebag has given me a very simplistic insights into the much more dangerous impact of stereotypes on the people in the targeted group.

When Brennaman made those ridiculous comments about Cubs fans being “the most obnoxious fans in baseball,” I was pissed. Not only at him, but also the way it made me look simply because I followed a baseball team. The more this stereotype regarding the overall stupidity of Cubs fans is conveyed (and believe me, its perpetuated throughout baseball fandom), I find myself constantly feeling like I have to justify to fans of other teams (a) that I am not, in fact, a drunken buffoon who doesn’t even know the names of the players on my team, and (b) that there are, in fact, other smart fans who follow the game as closely as do I. Furthermore, many Cubs fans are at the point now that they are constantly looking around themselves to see what stereotypes about us are being embodied by the people around us. We are in a constant and uncomfortable state of hyper self-awareness, afraid to say or do anything that might help perpetuate the stereotype we loathe. It not only makes enjoying baseball games that much harder, its just damn tiring.

Granted, this is a trivial example that I’m certain doesn’t do justice to the bigger problem facing people who are looked at through the lens of stereotypical images such as the Horry Kow shirt. But this example, on a very simple level, showed me how much some people use race to define themselves in everyday life (as much of my sports-fan life is defined by the fact that I am cursed to love the Cubs), how devastating to them this shirt becomes, and how this is just another image that they have to think about when doing just about anything in public. I just don’t feel its right to put anyone in the position of having to constantly think about how everything they do will be interpreted by those around them. I don’t want to make people constantly question their self-worth because they can’t overcome the preconceived notions of others. We all barely survived junior high, yet feel perfectly content to force segments of the population back into that state of self-consciousness.

So, like the Disney cartoon that was designed to tell a good story (and sell boatloads of merch), you can’t simply argue that “the guy didn’t intend to be condescending, so its okay.” You have to look at the effects of a piece of media like that. And judging by the ridiculous reactions this is getting throughout the city, this whole "controversy" scares the shit out of me, too.

Marty Brennaman Continues Britney-Like Meltdown; Gives Cubs Fans a Reason to Smile

You'd think that Marty Brennaman would have recognized that he was, in fact, a ridiculous asshat after giving Cubs fans in the bleachers the “if you kids throw that ball over the wall one more time, I'm keeping it!” routine. Especially considering he celebrated Reds fans throwing radios, whiskey bottles, and toilet paper on the field because an ump made a bad call. Or the fact that he very sensitively compared a Reds road trip to the Bataan Death March (baseball road trip=torture and murder of American soldiers. Whoopee!), and had to apologize the next week.

Alas, Brennaman the Elder decided to up the ante one more time on the Reds broadcast because Jeff Brantley (he of the “Edwin Encarnacion is simply NOT clutch” fame) decided to correct the fact that Grumpy Old Man missed a strike call. Here's a brief paraphrasing of the exchange:

Marty: there's a ball
Jeff: no, strike
Marty: Fuck You! DON'T YOU EVER CHALLENGE ME ON THE AIR AGAIN! FUCK YOU and FUCK THIS!
Marty: (leaves booth)

(Uncomfortable Silence)


(Uncomfortable Silence)


Jeff: So the next hitter up is...

So in a single week, the Reds announcer not only loses his mind on air and paints all Cubs fans with a broad brush based on the actions of 15 idiots in the bleachers, somehow linking the fortune of the team on the field to the behavior of the fans, but also curses out his color guy in a manner that is likely to get the team a significant fine and may get him suspended. In doing so, he not only reinforces the fact that Joe Buck does not, in fact, have the most ridiculous high horse of any announcer, but also that he's an incredible hypocrite who clearly feels that throwing baseballs on the field in jest somehow makes someone a worse fan than, say, someone who drops multiple F-bombs on television simply because someone had the audacity to correct his mistake. As a Cubs fan (as well as someone who loves to revel in the misfortune of people who have wronged me, or just douchebags in general) I guess I have only one thing to say:


Awesome.

Hendry Removes Head From Ass

After calling up the lesser of the two Patterson's (sadly), in what we'll call a "head-scratcher" of a lineup move, Jim Hendry managed to take his head out of his tookis long enough to make the logical move today.

That's right.



M-Squared is with the big boys now.

And all is right with the world.

Go Cubs.

Marty Brennaman: Cubs Fan

In case you missed it, some dumb Cubs fans tossed back about 10 baseballs following the Adam Dunn homer yesterday. After that, Marty Brennaman, the Reds play-by-play man, said this:

Marty Brennaman: "This is what makes you want to see this Chicago Cubs team lose. Among all baseball fans -- I can't attest to the Yankees and Red Sox because we don't see them with any degree of regularity unless it's interleague play -- but far and away the most obnoxious fans in baseball in this league are those who follow this team right here. Throwing 15 or 18 balls on the field, there's absolutely no excuse for that and that is so typical of Chicago Cub fans. It's unbelievable."

"Throwing the ball back, that's great, that's a Chicago Cub tradition that other teams have picked up on, and that's fine."

"It's ridiculous, it really is ... You simply root against them. I've said all winter, people talk about this team winning the division, and my comment is they won't win it because at the end of the day, they're still the Chicago Cubs and they will figure out a way to screw this whole thing up.

Brantley: "And then they'll have no one to boo but themselves.

Brennaman: "Well, they never blame themselves."

Brantley: "They'll blame that old billy goat."

Brennaman: "Yep."

Brennaman: We'll be right back after this with more out-of-touch, over-the-top, self-important sweeping generalizations from an old, crotchety jagweed.

Ok, I may have added that last line, but you get the point. I'll let that soak in for awhile as I try to get some actual work done. Angry response forthcoming.

Go Cubs.

Instant Reaction (Angry Rant Edition)

Blogs are great because I can read about news, react to it, and post without taking more than ten minutes to actually think about what I’m writing. This is like a psychotic’s wet dream. Anyway, Jim Hendry did yet another stupid thing today, and before I even have time to rationalize it and come up with a moderately thoughtful response, I might as well rant about it.

So Matt Murton, who hit .400 in Spring Training and has done nothing but post a .800+ OPS in every season, gets sent down at the end of Spring Training. Fast forward to last night: Soriano goes down with Martin Grammatica disease. DL stint likely. Everybody in their right mind says the same thing: “Well, at least Murton will get his chance now. With his OBP offsetting his lack of SLG, the Cubs should still be okay even without Soriano for awhile.”

But Jim Hendry is not in his right mind.

Eric Patterson will get the call up today, and they’ll go with DeRosa/Johnson in left and Babe Ruth Fontenot at second base.

I’m fairly certain Jim Hendry bet the over on the 100 years between World Series victories. Between his ridiculous inability to trade Marquis and open a spot up for Marshall, to sitting idly by while Rich Hill gets moved to 5th starter, to banking on a guy who put up a Juan Pierre-like .382 SLG against righties (Johnson) and a guy who has had exactly three weeks of good play in his entire career (Fontenot) instead of a guy who is guaranteed to put up a .370 OBP and .800 OPS, I think he’s actively trying to lose games.

I hate Jim Hendry.

With Dusty, There's Bloodlusty...

Alright boys and girls, the day is finally upon us. Sharpen your pitchforks! Light those torches! The individual who cost the Cubs the 2003 World Series is back in town!

No, not the baby-faced SS.


It couldn't have been his fault.

No, not the kid with the "golden arm" and "perfect mechanics."



Of course, he shouldn't shoulder (zing!) the blame.

Not the "fan that remains nameless" either. Only a moron would point the finger at that poor bastard.

There is only one person so amazingly inept, so completely clueless, so totally void any redeemable qualities who could have been responsible for ripping that World Series trophy right out of the hands of our Chicago Cubs.

Who is this evil spawn of Satan you ask?

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That's right.

Darren f#%ing Baker.

Disagree? Well, it makes about as much sense to me as blaming his dad. After reading 8 billion "Dusty's Back and There's Gonna Be Some Trouble" articles over the past 2 days, I had to speak up. Have we all gone collectively bat-shit crazy in this town?

Explain to me why he is forever the goat (double zing!) for what was an monumental collapse by by an entire team?

Did he boot the tailor-made double play ball?

Nope.

Did he give up 42 runs in that 8th inning?

Not by what my scorecard reads.

Did he leave Prior in too long when it was SO obvious to EVERYONE in the stadium, watching on TV and listening to the radio that our young pitcher was more that just a little bit rattled by the foul ball fiasco and "The Error," but he had in fact already jumped the tracks, caught fire and had gone careening into a tree taking out a bunch of crippled school children in the process (metaphorically speaking of course)?

Actually, don't answer that last one.

All I'm saying is that while Dusty may have his faults, 2003 wasn't all on him. As you light your effigies and start your witty "Dusty Sucks" chants tonight, try to remember where the blame truly belongs.

Right here.

I kid, Darren. I kid, you adorable little SOB.

Go Cubs.

Chicks Dig the Long Ball

Busy today, so here are some "classic" baseball ads (and one Sox promo) to tide you over until I get a chance to post. Enjoy.


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Go Cubs.

Why I Hate the Brewers

So I had big plans for tonight. We were going to brave the Edens construction and head up to Milwaukee for the Hold Steady show, but the show doesn’t start until latenight. This, of course, was perfect, because we could catch a Brewers game beforehand, do some tailgating, and generally use baseball and music as an excuse to drink too much. Of course, no one I know actually likes the Brewers, but the ability to tailgate at Miller Park is an amenity that we know not in the parking lotless Wrigleyville.

But then the stupid Brewers had to go and have a stupid road game on Friday in stupid New York against the stupid Mets and ruin my plans for an evening of self-destructive behavior. I don’t care that the team has nothing to do with making the schedule…I’m officially bitter.

So, in celebration of my specious reasoning, here are ten equally irrational reasons to hate the Brewers in 2008, other than the fact that they’re, you know, the Cubs’ main rival.


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1. The vendors at Miller Park are ridiculously nice and never give you attitude or make it seem like they’re doing you a favor by taking your $35 for 4 beers. Come on…I’m from Chicago. We’re not comfortable getting any basic food service without being made to feel guilty that we asked for extra ketchup.

2. The Brewers have good fantasy players. I have three fantasy teams (yes, I’m a tool-see, well, every other post I’ve made for proof), and between them, I have Ryan Braun, Rickie Weeks, Yovani Gallardo, Corey Hart, and Eric Gagne. Nothing like rooting for the Brewers to score 12 runs per game and hopefully lose. Nothing like seeing them to do it only to notice that Braun went 0-4 with a walk.

3. Bernie Brewer. Actually, not so much Bernie Brewer, just the fact that he doesn’t slide into beer anymore. Embrace your alcoholism, Bernie. At least then I could respect you. Right now, you’re just a phony.

4. The fact that they haven’t changed the name from Miller Park to Vagina Field yet. Seriously-look at it on Google Earth when the roof is open. I’m actually surprised the FCC hasn’t banned all video images from the Goodyear blimp above Miller Park. Actually, I’m more annoyed that they didn’t build an identical stadium in D.C. and put it right next to the Washington Monument. By the way, I am nothing if not utterly sophomoric.

5. Bill Hall. I picked you in the third round last year and you sucked ass. You’ve already hit four home runs this season. I hate you.

6. Bob Uecker. Yeah, he’s a really good announcer. Yes, he pushes Major League from “really good baseball movie” to “in the team picture for best baseball movie ever.” But he never respected Mr. Belvedere’s role in raising Wesley, even when Mr. Belvedere convinced Wesley not to make fun of the kid with AIDS like the rest of his classmates were doing. Not cool, Mr. Owens. Not cool.

7. Streaks on the china,
Never mattered before,
Who cares.
When you dropped kicked your jacket
As you came through the door,
No one glared.
But sometimes things get turned around
And no one’s spared.
All hands look out below
There’s a change in the status quo.
Gonna need all the help that we can get.
According to our new arrival
Life is more than mere survival
We just might live the good life yet.

Sorry. Couldn’t help myself. Ten bucks says that’s in your head for the rest of the day.

8. The stadium, on the inside, is an exact replica of Chase Field in Phoenix. But without the pool. Or the hot ASU students that get paid to sit by the pool wearing almost nothing.

9. I’ve lost way too much money betting on the sausage race. Screw me again Frankie Furter and I’m going Randall Simon on your ass.

10. Jason Kendall is hitting over .500. He needs to realize that he’s not a good player. Soon.

From Now On, That's How You Drive!

Hell of a game last night. I have a few observations to share, but the one thing that really stuck out for me was what Wood did AFTER he tried to groove a fastball past Jason Bay and gave up the donkey.

Instead of melting down, he got the next 3 batters on 12 pitches.

Strike (swinging), Ball, Strike (looking), Strike (looking)—Strikeout Looking
Strike (swinging), Strike (swinging), Ball, Ball—Ground Out to 3B
Ball, Strike (swinging), Strike (swinging), Strike (looking)—Strikeout Looking

It was impressive. So much so that I yelled at the TV...






That IS how he's supposed to "drive." That's what we all expected from him. No messing around. Just nasty fastballs on the corner and sick sliders that make the hitter pee themselves a little bit. Wood showed me something last night. Now let's see if he can bring that kind of nastiness to EVERY batter, not just the ones after he gets faced. I for one think he can.

More thoughts after the jump.

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1. Felix
Marty may hunt me down and kill me for saying this, but even AFTER he drove in the game winning RBI, I still think he's really gonna struggle this year. Why? His swing is waaaaaaaaaaay too long. All you have to do is watch one at-bat and you can see what the scouting report is on him.

Work the fastball up and in. Then go away, away, away with the breaking ball.

He can't get his swing started fast enough to touch either. Now that being said, if he can stay with pitches like the one he hit last night or if he can compact his swing to get to the inside stuff he could really succeed at the big league level. But those are two really big 'ifs." Sorry, Marty.

2. 30 LOB in 2 games
When Len mentioned this last night I nearly fell out of my chair. 30 guys? And we won both games? How in the hell does that happen? If I was a Pirates fan (shuddering) and I saw that stat, I think it would be time to put a hose on the tailpipe and close the garage door. There is no way we can continue to do that and win games. That is, unless they've changed the schedule without my knowledge and we play ONLY the Pirates for the rest of the year.

3. Those Darn Scrappy Pirates
Coming into this series, I thought of the Bucs as the SF Giants of the NL Central. I now realize that assessment was way off base and a tad mean.

They've got some solid position players and a TON of left-handed pitching (both in the rotation and in the bullpen). I swear they threw 30 consecutive lefties at us on Monday. That doesn't bode well for the season series. As everyone knows, the Cubs can't hit lefties for shit (especially the soft-tossing and the "just-called-up-to-face-the-Cubs" variety). In what now looks like a more competitive division than was previously anticipated, we HAVE to win against these guys. Mark my words...if we don't win the division, it will be because we lose a ton of games we shouldn't against the Pirates (and probably the Giants too because karma is a bitch).

Anyway, another "a win is a win is a win" type game for the Cubs. Here's hoping they can actually win one in 9 innings tonight. I'm not holding my breath.

Go Cubs.

HOUSEKEEPING NOTES:
RSS: We added a RSS feed for FOTG, so now you can add us to your daily blog readings by just clicking the link on the right. You're welcome.

Comments: I removed the "registered users only" restriction, so now you can comment anonymously if you want to. I did this in hopes of increasing the amount and frequency of comments, so feel free to add your thoughts/criticisms without telling us who your are (wusses).


Go Cubs.

Cubs Call Up Alexis Marshall

Sean gets the save last night. We get the opportunity to gratuitously run another photo of Ms. Marshall as well as this creepy blog from some stalker in Phoenix.

You better stick with the big club, Sean.

(EXPLETIVE DELETED) Let Them Eat Cake

I loathe Dusty Baker’s managing style. I loathe his unwillingness to accept criticism. I loathe his attitude about OBP and “walks clogging bases.” I loathe his wristbands. Overall, however, he seems like a nice enough guy who is just really, really bad at managing a baseball team. The majority of the old-school media doesn't really see it that way, of course.

The column today by Melissa Isaacson is one of many puff pieces about Baker that the media likes to trot out during a season (by the way, if Baker’s team finishes anywhere near .500, be ready for the avalanche of “screw those stat-head geeks! Dusty Baker wins!” columns). Its annoying, filled with whining from Baker and Chris Speier, and generally the kind of drivel that most columnists pull out on days when both the home teams have off days. No harm, no foul.

However, the shot that Paul Sullivan takes at Chris Speier in response to Speier’s unnecessary whining is ridiculous.


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He writes:

Chris Speier's contention in today's Tribune story on Dusty Baker that the Chicago media was responsible for Baker's downfall is ludicrous. The Cubs had the worst record in the National League in 2006, and Baker was the manager. By and large, the media was fair to Baker, as it was to Speier following his arrest for riding his motorcycle while intoxicated in '06.

Read: “The all-powerful media cannot be criticized. If you dare criticize us, we will take cheap shots at your personal mistakes and generally make you appear to be everything short of a pedophile.” Jeesh Paul, you’d think the holier-than-thou attitude might want to take a back seat for awhile, especially considering the Trib’s stock price is roughly at the level of pets.com right about now. He goes on to state:

The Pirates owners spent $250,000 last off-season to install windows on the press box at PNC Park. It was the only press box in the majors without windows, as the previous owners decided it was OK to build a new ballpark and have the reporters rained on during games while writing their game stories.

I’m guessing that the 95% of Cubs fans who would do your job for free might not be as whiny when it comes to minor things like getting a little wet when you’re writing about Major League Baseball for a living.

In case you hadn’t noticed, the influence of print media is dying a not-so-slow death, and readers don’t exactly swarm to articles that emphasize the power of the big, bad media or complain about the jobs the beat writers have to do. There’s a reason why guys like Bill Simmons are (or at least used to be) popular...their appeal to the average fan. The minute you not only emphasize, but complain about the tenets of your job as conduit between fans and athletes, you cease to become that conduit and become an obstacle to the fan’s experience. And then people stop reading you and move on to idiots who write about eating sandwiches in the bathroom at Wrigley and girls who refuse to wear underpants. Wait…check that. Keep alienating the fans. Keep complaining about the minor inconveniences you have while doing every fan’s dream job. We could use the hits.

What I've Learned, Overreaction Edition, Part II

Paul Sullivan writes this in today’s blog on chicagosports.com:

Reed Johnson looks like he's ready to become the everyday centerfielder, even though it would give the Cubs eight right-handed hitters. It's early, but Felix Pie's .235 on-base percentage just isn't cutting it.

Felix Pie is 3-16. Reed Johnson is 4-13. I think removing Pie from the centerfield job after 16 at bats is the least this team can do. They should demote him to rookie ball, make him pay to remain in the organization, and cease to serve any types of pie at the craft services table in the clubhouse. Because 16 at bats is more than enough time to prove that a guy who is 23 can’t contribute to a major league team. Let’s ignore the fact that he’s torn up every level he’s been in. And the fact that he’s had less than 200 major league at bats, given without any consistency whatsoever over the course of a season and a half. And the fact that Reed Johnson has never shown any ability to hit right handed pitching in his career. Screw all that-Pie, you’re done. What a bust. He’s destined to go through a career like this bust, whose numbers through his first 200 ABs looked like this:

AVG: .224, OBP: .259, SLG: .355

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Good thing the Mariners gave up on that Alex Rodriguez chump. What a punk that guy was.

What I've Learned, Overraction Edition

The Cubs managed to blow a seven run lead for the first time in only 6 years, which is actually sadder than the whole “hundred years” thing. Good to see that blowing a seven run lead is actually not all that uncommon for the Cubs.

As usual, many have taken the opportunity to bring out their “jump to conclusions” mat one week into the season. Among the wonderful truths we’ve learned from the experts:

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1. Mark DeRosa is a complete bust and Brian Roberts could cure AIDS if he were playing 2B for the Cubs right now. Nevermind the fact that, up until yesterday, DeRosa was outhitting Roberts. Sure, he’s made some stupid errors. They even out over the course of a year. Now, if the team wanted to trade for Roberts and move DeRosa to shortstop, color me satisfied.

2. Alfonso Soriano is a bum. Hasn’t one year of this guy shown enough people that he will maybe hit .025 for 30 ABs or so, then hit 14 home runs in a month (like he did in, say, LAST SEPTEMBER)? Sure, all Cubs fans will want him dead by about year five of his contract, but for now, why not just be myopic for awhile?

3. Kerry Wood will be a bust as a closer…no wait, he’ll be good…no wait, he won’t be durable enough…no wait, he’ll be fine.

4. Aramis Ramirez is lazy and the Cubs need to trade him. Good God, this might be the most annoying habit of anyone and everyone associated with following the Cubs-they’d rather have Ryan Theriot hit .200 with a .225 OBP as long as he runs hard to first base and gets his uniform dirty, while Ramirez consistently hits 30-35 home runs, drives in over 100 runners, and “isn’t a winner.” Let’s say it together: This is not Little League. Trying hard does not make someone good. And not always trying hard does not make someone bad. Production matters. Deal with it.

5. Ryan Theriot would be better off as a bench player and really has no business batting at the top of the lineup. Okay, they got that one right.

Here's a thought-let's wait until game 15 before we write off the 2008 season.